


Fragments of Memory

by fineinthemorning, Shuensha



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Crossdressing, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Headcanon, M/M, Post-Series, Rare Pairings, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-06-06 11:54:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6752896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fineinthemorning/pseuds/fineinthemorning, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shuensha/pseuds/Shuensha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The war is over. Kaneki wakes up in a hospital after a three-month coma with no memory of anything at all. He isn’t plagued with any voices, and he doesn't seem to have any remaining emotions attached to his past. Essentially, he is a blank slate. Is this his last chance at happiness?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the headcanon for an AU that I thought some people might enjoy. It is not my typical narrative and is very sparse. My job keeps me from doing good things. I'm sorry for my inactivity.

The war is over. Kaneki wakes up in a hospital after a three month coma with no memory of anything at all. He isn’t plagued with any voices, and he isn’t particularly upset or have any remaining emotions attached to his past. Essentially, he is a blank slate. He is, however, blind in his right eye, and it never ends up healing properly. 

Shinohara meets him in the hospital under a different name and helps with his rehabilitation. He gives him his ID card, which reads ‘Kaneki Ken’, tells him his address, but never really tells him about the past. Kaneki doesn’t ask about the past, either. Shinohara is kind, assertive, and very honest with him otherwise, and Kaneki develops an equally warm attitude through his rehabilitation. Shinohara tells him about the world since he has been in a coma and how it is continually changing. There are no longer organizations like Aogiri, V, the CCG, etc., and there are laws protecting ghouls and methods in place to ensure safety. There are still many prejudices, but there are organizations in place now to assist in the full integration of ghouls into human society. There are laws only for ghouls, but the punishments and treatments within the justice system are the same would they be with humans. The world has not been entirely corrected, but it is getting better with time.

After about two months, he is ready to leave the hospital. Shinohara introduces him to his roommate, Arata Kirishima, and gives him his information should he ever need him again. Shinohara and Arata are on friendly terms  and appear to be well acquainted with one-another. 

The apartment Kaneki moves into does appear to be lived in by Arata, but it is clear, when Kaneki arrives, that he did not live here previously, because there is nothing- pictures, belongings, or otherwise that tie him to the place. Still, Kaneki doesn’t ask Arata about the past. There are, however, many instruments in the apartment, including a piano. Arata shares the records he likes- mostly jazz, some folk, and a bit of alternative and pop. He begins to teach Kaneki the piano, but he knows very little, so Kaneki reads books on how to read music and play the piano. Kaneki enjoys it, and they begin to practice together every day- dawn till dusk. 

Kaneki enjoys being with Arata, who is very open and light-hearted and always acting with the best of intentions. His own personality continues to develop, and he becomes more and more honest and forward with the people he meets and pours all of his energy into the music he learns. Within about seven to eight months, he is attempting to write his own music.

A year after the accident that put him in a coma, he is performing his first live at a small jazz cafe near the outskirts of Tokyo. He is one of the three opening acts to a locally famous jazz musician. He wears dark glasses that he can see through for his left eye that still has sight, but they are darkened so that no one can see through the lenses to see his eyes. He pretends to be fully blind. For his first Live, Shinohara and Arata go to support him. Touka, Ayato, Hinami, and Hide are all there, too, but none of them approach him. His music is received well with the locals.

Kaneki begins to pick up regular gigs in the greater Tokyo area. Sometimes, he sings, and sometimes, he does not. His music is a mix of folk and jazz; it is passionate but soothing- honest and kind. As he gains popularity, again, only with the locals who are into jazz and folk, he notices that there are some people who come to his shows each time even when in Saitama or Yokohama or some place in Shinjuku. He sees them either always or here and there over time, and after about five months, he wonders if they’re fans of his music, because they never stop to speak with him afterwards. The venues are always small cafes, coffee shops, or bars, and he is usually greeted with a few fans or compliments afterwards, but he notices that these people never approach him.

 

  * Touka, with or without Yomo, goes to the shows in the Tokyo area during the daytime or late at night if he is headlining. She goes mostly to check on Kaneki to ensure he is doing well, even if she could just ask her father.
  * Tsukiyama goes when he can get away from work. He is working with his father now as next in line to take over. He is also working to finish his degree. The Tsukiyama corporation is the first of many who are openly hiring humans and ghouls to work together in a healthy environment.
  * Hinami and Ayato come about once a month, but they always leave before the end of the show.
  * Amon, with the six Quinx, have gone to only three or four shows, but they left each time when the last song was called.
  * Banjou and the others come whenever they hear about it and are in the 6th Ward.
  * Rize came to a few.
  * Eto comes pretty often, but she never says anything to him, and doesn’t really travel outside of Tokyo.
  * Akira and Seidou have gone a few times, too, but appear very focused on speaking to each other and not drawing his attention.
  * Hide and Arima are the only two that go to every show, but they don’t sit together.
  * Hide never approaches, but is always smiling at him.
  * Arima sits in the back and never says anything. He always arrives at the venue when Kaneki’s set starts and leaves just after Kaneki’s set ends.



 

Without saying it aloud, really, they have all agreed to not approach Kaneki out of fear of triggering his memories and past tragedies. Kaneki genuinely appears to be very happy, and from their point of view, he is outgoing, passionate, and excited about the direction his life is going in now.

Hide is the first one to break this pact. After a small show in Nishi-arai, Hide approaches him to compliment him on his work. He goes to shake his hand, and Kaneki accepts it, a bit stunned, because he never thought this person, who was obviously from his past, would ever actually approach him. Immediately, as Hide speaks to him, Kaneki is convinced that he and Hide were lovers if only because his attraction and familiarity towards him is remarkably strong. Kaneki, being more candid now than he was even as Haise, pulls Hide’s hand to pull him forward and kisses him. 

Hide is a mess.

“You  and I were lovers, weren’t we?” There is no hint of shyness.

“What? I-I mean, you mean when-”

“Oh, was I wrong?” Kaneki laughed, “Well, then perhaps we should be, Nagachika-san.” Kaneki isn’t flirtatious so much as confident and almost innocent.

“Hide, please.”

“Hide . . .” his name is a spell on his lips, “I’m in love you.”

Hide can’t find his words, but he is blushing and stuttering, because how could this even  be possible and is this really Kaneki because-

“You’re in love with me, too, aren’t you?”

Hide blinks. He wants to point out that they’re skipping an incredible number of steps, but really, nothing had been skipped with Kaneki . . . it was only the current Kaneki that was skipping a number of things inbetween. Still, he guessed it meant that his heart remembered . . . more than Hide ever even knew to be true.

“I love you more than words can say, . . . Kaneki.”

“Good. As I thought.” He kisses him again, slowly, deeply, and Hide’s breath is taken away. “I’m curious though, why now?”

Hide is still blushing and in shock. This new Kaneki was amazing in that he was confident in the validity of his own emotions, but how could he be so incredibly direct? It was so different from the Kaneki he had known for so long.

“Just-it-” Hide would answer Kaneki’s honesty with the same, “I couldn’t watch you anymore. I couldn’t stand it. There is nothing I want more than to be  a part of your life.” There. He said it.

Kaneki laughed and smiled earnestly, embracing Hide and then letting go to take his hands, “Congratulations. Wish granted.”

 

Kaneki just thinks he is picking up where they left off in his past, and if they’re not, it doesn’t matter to him, because it feels right and he knows Hide loves him and he loves Hide. He doesn’t ask about the past, and he doesn’t remember anything either. The only thing he can recall is this overpowering love he has for him, and for now, that’s good enough for Kaneki.

Hide is shocked by all of this, but he spends every day never taking Kaneki for granted and loves him as much as time and obligations allow. Kaneki surprises him daily. He is always the one to text first, he openly tells him he loves him, even in public, and he openly communicates with him anything that’s on his mind without even taking a moment to consider whether Hide is interested in hearing it or not. Kaneki acts on his emotions and hides nothing from Hide. He shows him that he is blind in one eye only. He doesn’t even talk about being a ghoul, because he just assumes that Hide knows already and doesn’t care.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is still not my typical narrative style, and is still a loose headcanon, but there are bouts of dialogue, so it might be at least somewhat more interesting to read. Thank you for the comments so far!

Tsukiyama notices that Hide has begun interacting with Kaneki at Kaneki’s next Live, and, afterwards, while Kaneki is breaking down the set, Tsukiyama pulls Hide aside. They have since become something like friends. Hide didn’t want to trust him at first, but soon realized that Tsukiyama cared for Kaneki deeply that is somehow similar to his own feelings, so he puts his trust in that.

“We may have never verbalized it, Hide-kun, but we all agreed about not taking any chances. You being with him could trigger his memories. He-” Tsukiyama, distraught, has already worked himself up into a near panic.

Hide is only a little surprised that the ghoul isn’t acting out of jealousy or anything; he genuinely doesn't want Kaneki to suffer. Hide began, “I couldn’t leave him alone. I just couldn’t.”

Tsukiyama called him out immediately, “I’m sure that wasn’t just it.”

Hide took a deep breath and released it, “It was lonely.”

Tsukiyama said nothing, but he held no ill feelings towards Hide. He’d felt lonely, too. He still was. Shuu held his arms against his chest, his elbows in his hands, “How long has this been going on? Before the set began, _he kissed you_.”

“Okay, look, I was surprised, too. He-like- okay, let me explain. Last Saturday, I introduced myself after the show, and he just kissed me.”

“Basta!” Tsukiyama wouldn’t believe it.

Already familiar with the ghoul’s tendency to slip into other languages, Hide took it in stride, “It’s true. And then he declared his love for me, and I-I mean, I just-”

All color had escaped Tsukiyama’s face.

“I told him how I felt. He has seen me every day since then. He acts like we’re just picking up where we . . . never actually left off- like we were lovers before he- It’s wild, I know, but he’s _so happy_ , Shuu, he really is- I-”

“Enough.”

Hide deserved this too, just as much as Kaneki did, but he understood Shuu. Somehow, the egotistical Tsukiyama heir was acting more selflessly than he was, “I’m-I-”

“Don’t apologize, Hide-kun. He _is_ happy. His performance- _tres magnifique_ \- he has never appeared so stunning as he did this evening.”

“ . . . You’re right.”

“I trust you, Hide-kun. Anyone else, and, well,” the ghoul shook his head and left something unsaid. “I will continue to watch over him.”

“Of course. He won’t remember. I can’t make any promises, but  . .  I won’t tell him anything.” Or, at least, he would try not to.

 

* * *

 

Eventually, the others notice, too, because Kaneki is interacting with Hide at every Live he does. They’re worried that Ken will remember, but still, no one else comes forward. Two months go by, and Kaneki notices that none of the others are coming forward. He finally can no longer hold back from asking, and comes forward with questions.

“Who are they, Hide? The ones who show up but never say anything? Are they from my past, too?” he finally asks one night. His eyes blink thoughtfully behind his black lenses.

Hide tries to take it in stride and asks back, innocently, “Who?”

Kaneki smirks, knowing already that Hide is playing innocent, and he begins his list with a small whine in his voice, because he wants this to be taken seriously, “For example, the woman with the green hair who is always wearing a hat or veil of some sort. She’s beautiful. She comes to every show in Tokyo, so sometimes I see her twice a week. The two of you spoke once, and she seemed friendly towards you, but- Well, who is she?” Kaneki has displayed in these last two months how very open and direct he had become. It’s a bit overwhelming to Hide, because he was so used to Kaneki hiding most things, a lot of the times even from him, but it is by no means an unwelcome change.

Hide doesn’t lie, but he doesn’t tell him everything, “Yes, you knew her in the past. There are others who, like me, knew you in the past  . . . that now attend your shows.”

Kaneki displays his concern without hesitation, “Did I . . . do something wrong to hurt them? Is that why they won’t approach me or speak to me?”

Hide spoke gently, comforting Kaneki physically as well with a hand on his back and the other in Kaneki’s hand, "No, those people can see that you're happy now. They aren't approaching you because they love you." In a way, really. Perhaps some more than others, but . . . it was how Hide understood it anyway.

Kaneki thinks it backwards, but he accepts Hide’s words for the time being. The two are so in love, and they spend each day making the other happy. Hide begins adapting his life to Kaneki’s and soon after this conversation, Hide becomes determined to open a jazz bar of his own, so that he could provide a single location for all of the people who loved Kaneki to go.

 

* * *

 

Time moves on, and, since no one from his past will approach him, Kaneki decides that he would be the first to make a move- with or without Hide’s blessing.

He approaches Arima first, because he is the only person, aside from Hide, who attends every show. Arima is impossible for Kaneki to read.

He sits at the table in the back that the older man sits at and smiles gently, “Hide tells me you attend every show always at a back table. Thank you for always showing your support.”

Being blind in his own right eye, Arima notices that Kaneki isn’t completely blind. It brings him great relief, but he doesn’t quite understand why, “It’s my pleasure; I enjoy your music.”

Kaneki doesn’t feel the same way towards Arima as he does Hide. He feels a mixture of several emotions, including fear and anger, but if there is one that outshines the others, it’s _serenity_. Just hearing his voice makes Kaneki think that at one point in time, the man before him was his rock, his anchor, something that grounded him and kept him firmly planted in one place and on one path. The feeling alone encourages him to keep going- to meet the others.

 

* * *

 

 

One by one, he begins to approach the others.

When Kaneki approaches Amon, it is on the occasion that the Quinx are not with him. Kaneki had asked Hide about Amon with the opening, “Who’s the eyebrow one?”

Hide knew exactly who he had been asking about responded with, “You mean Koutarou-kun?”

  
It had been the first time that Kaneki had heard Hide use that particular honorific, at least, from what he could recall, so his interest was instantly piqued.

  
“We usually call him Mayuge-san, though?” Hide laughed.

  
Kaneki didn’t believe him until he hears Hide actually call him that at one point, so, upon their first meeting, that’s the name Kaneki chooses to call Koutarou by.

He approached Amon with a gentle touch on his back, “Hide tells me you come often.”

  
Amon is startled, but stands quickly and shakes Kaneki’s hand respectfully, “I’ve enjoyed your show, Kaneki-san.”

  
“Thank you so much! I’ve heard you speaking with Hide before. Mayuge-san, right?” Kaneki sees the blush and flustered look on the larger man’s face behind his glasses, but doesn’t let on. Even if this was a trick by Hide, seeing Koutarou’s(?) expressions was worth it.

  
Amon doesn’t correct him only because he is concerned that his name might stir up memories.

 

* * *

 

 

When he meets the Quinx, despite being familiar with only three of them, he becomes as emotional as he had been with Hide. He doesn’t cry until after he hears each of them introduce themselves and then . . . expects a seventh name.

  
“Oh, there are only six in your group? I thought I heard someone with you before, but I must have been mistaken.” He tries to laugh it off, but he can see the expressions of the three that felt so familiar to him fall completely. He smiles through his tears and wipes them attempting to not make a scene. Even being as candid as he is now, it is not proper etiquette to cry in public and it is already clear to him that doing so would only make them feel worse somehow. He wants to ask about the seventh person who isn’t there, but he can’t get the words from his lips, so he thanks them and goes straight to Hide after they leave.

  
Hide does what he can to comfort him; he didn’t realize how much the Quinx meant to Haise, not that he is surprised. He has no stories to share with Kaneki for this situation, so he does the next best thing and that is to quietly whisper to him how loved he is by not only himself but by so many others.

Knowing that there was someone missing among them gives Kaneki a glimpse into what might have been a rather tragic past for himself, but it doesn’t stop him from approaching others. Hide has obviously caught on to what Ken is doing by now, but he doesn’t stop him. He doesn’t like it, but he believes in allowing him to make his own decisions, and if he was deciding the past was important to for him to know now, more than a year and a half after he’d woken up, then Hide would at least act as support as needed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More first impressions

He only approaches the woman with the long violet hair once and never again after that. So, the first time he says anything, it is only to thank her for coming to the show. He feels like he has known her all his life but had never properly understood her. She makes him feel cautious, but his feelings towards her are dull even if he feels like they shouldn't be for some reason.

“Your music is surprisingly good, _Kaneki-_ kun.”

When she speaks to him, she is polite, but there is something sinister in her voice that he doesn’t like. Still, at the same time, he doesn’t feel threatened by her. Truly, it just boils down to an uneasy feeling that he is certain he’ll never be able to place. It makes him certain that either he never understood her in the past or he never understood women in general.

 

* * *

 

 To attempt to solve that mystery, he approaches the woman he’d originally asked Hide about in the first place- the beautiful woman with the veil who always sat alone and exclusively attended Tokyo shows. He’s a bit intimidated- solitary and gorgeous, no one ever appears to approach her except for Hide, who seems to get along with everyone.

He sits down across from her at a small square table. Hide isn’t with him and didn’t attend that evening due to some meetings he had concerning the purchase of a venue.

“Good evening,” he tries first. He looks straight ahead and does not meet her eyes, but she still responds differently to him than anyone else.

“Ah, so you do still have your eyesight? Is it only the right eye, then? How interesting. Like father like son.

He wasn’t expecting her say anything of the sort. He wasn’t expecting her to speak so directly and with such a familiar air. And, most of all, he wasn’t expecting her voice to that they clearly had a history.

Once over his surprise, Kaneki smiles, “I knew I should have approached you first, Miss . . .?” He hopes she introduces herself.

She smiles and clips her veil back so that both of her eyes are visibly staring straight into his black lenses, “Eri. You once knew me by another name, but what’s in a name? I go by Eri now.”

He recognized the quote as Shakespeare. “What’s in a name? Apparently enough to die for, Eri-san. It doesn’t suit you, you know? Too ordinary.”

“Aren’t you charming, Kaneki?” She uses no honorific in his name, but he doesn’t mind it in the least.

“Hmmm . . . Maybe Erato would be more appropriate for you?” He had no clue how close he was getting. Erato was the name of the muse of lyric poetry, her name translating loosely to _desire_.

She laughs light and airy, “You’re feeling inspired, are you? I’m afraid Melpomene would be far more appropriate.” The way she is smiling tells Kaneki she isn’t lying. The feelings that suddenly settles between them tells him that she most certainly has a talent for tragedy.

She dismisses herself first knowing all too well that the spell she had cast had been broken, at least, for now.

 

* * *

 

Hide is actually speaking to Akira when Kaneki finally approaches her and Seidou. He feels uneasy towards both of them, and when he looks at the man with her, he feels something akin to pity. He isn’t nervous per-se, but he feels like he wants to make a good first impression, which is something he had not previously even cared to consider with anyone else.

Akira is warm. Seidou imitates her. It’s very quickly clear to Kaneki that maybe these people were Hide’s friends, but not his. Seidou will not quite look at him, and when he is not facing her, he can feel Akira staring sympathetically at him.

Somehow, he feels like he should apologize, but he never does.

 

* * *

 

 He actually does feel nervous approaching Nishio, but seeing and speaking with Kimi makes any tension in the air dissipate almost immediately. He makes a joke related to kicks, taiyaki, or shit without really thinkings about it, and Nishio retaliates without any real threat behind it. Kaneki and Kimi end up laughing together. Hide is impressed as he watches, but the conversation, like with most of the others from his past, is short. After complimenting his music, they excuse themselves, and Kaneki’s curiosity is left unsated.

 

* * *

 

Touka and Yomo, names he has heard from Hide, purposefully avoid him to the point that it is noticeable, obvious, and beginning to try to his patience. He devises a plan to catch them off guard and it works. When in their presence, he smells coffee, even if it is not being served at the venue. When he finally introduces himself and thanks they for attending, he feels overwhelmingly happy to meet their eyes. He feels as if they are family to him, and he feels certain that they must have been close- these two were especially important to him, but-

But even if they send him waves of nostalgia, they appear to be set on keeping their distance from him, and once he does approach them, they show up only half as much. He knows they're being careful now, but it begins to wear on him; being treated this way, from them especially, is something he can’t ignore on a personal level.

The woman, Touka, feels like a sister to him, and Yomo gives him the feeling of a father or an uncle of some sort; he has a clear respect for him. 

Still, they remain distant and polite. He doesn’t pressure them and tries to accept it for now.

 

* * *

 

Banjou, the man with the strange beard, also feels overwhelmingly familial towards him, but, like Touka and Yomo, remains at a distance.  He wants to say more than he actually does upon meeting Banjou, but for once, he holds his tongue, because Banjou, himself, seems a bit shy, and Kaneki does attempt to be thoughtful of others despite how comfortable he may be.

 

* * *

 

 

He wants to hug Hinami the first time he meets her, and he almost goes to do so, but holds back. Ayato, he feels he should apologize to, but doesn’t. He thanks them both for coming, and says “Congratulations,” without realizing why. The two blush deeply, but say little. He feels regret when Hinami leaves. He wants to say more to her, but he knows that, so like the others, she has also decided to keep her distance. It only serves to make him feel lonely by this point. He is certain she used to keep him from such a darkness long ago. Was the past really so terrible?

 

* * *

 

 

The last person he approaches that is a regular is probably the most eccentric one. He has seen him with Hide on several occasions and they appear to be quite friendly with each other. When the man with the cerulean hair is with Hide, he displays a wide range of emotions, is very articulated, appears to be quite passionate, and is often laughing with him. 

When Kaneki approaches the man who could easily be a model of some sort with how good-looking he is, the man in question displays none of these things. Instead, he is reserved, careful, and cautious.

Kaneki smiles at him through his dark lenses that he realizes are a little unfair and offers his hand, “Thank you for coming to my show.”

The other takes his hand and responds quickly with a compliment on his talent, but the words are flat and fall lifelessly to the floor before ever quite reaching Kaneki’s ears. 

With this, Kaneki feels a wide range of emotions, most of which conflict with each other. Tsukiyama is clearly emotional, and, while attempting to be just another fan, ends up very clearly displaying how difficult it is for him to watch Kaneki without speaking to him and also how happy and yet how painful it is to him when he does. Kaneki doesn’t really know what to make of it, but tries to make him smile with jokes and compliments of his own.

Tsukiyama slips a few times and laughs with him only to stop suddenly as if remembering a particularly bizarre rule of etiquette that prevents him from being happy in the musician’s presence. It’s painful to the point that Kaneki finally just tells him, “Please, just relax.”

But Tsukiyama pretends, poorly at that, that he doesn’t understand what he could mean and continues to leave a wall up between them. 

Kaneki almost feels jealous that Hide can make this person laugh and smile genuinely like he does while he is a safe distance from the man while he performs on stage. Tsukiyama clearly cares in some way, but he is purposefully making it hard on himself.

Kaneki feels responsible, but he isn’t sure what to do. All of this has left him more curious and more frustrated than ever.  

 

* * *

 

 

He never asks them about the past, relationships, etc., and none of them ever allude to anything either. They all merely compliment him on his music and then leave. For Kaneki, some of the encounters are more emotional than others, but throughout all of it, no memories return. He is not plagued with visions of the past of voices in his head.  There’s nothing holding him back or necessarily pushing him forward; he has only the present, and he treasures every moment to the fullest with an open and unassuming heart.

The others, as they encounter him, come to understand how truly happy he is, and that, it seems, Hide is really his only hope at continuing the happiness that he deserves and has rightfully earned after all he has been through and accomplished.

After about a month, Kaneki has approached all of them, and, despite finally having said something to each of them, the passing conversation he has had with them has left him wanting more. It’s unsatisfying to him that he could have so many people supporting him, but he isn’t even allowed the opportunity to return that support or even get to know them.

 

* * *

 

He tries asking Amon and the Quinx to dinner, but Amon declines.

 

He tries asking Hinami to sing with him, and she laughs as she politely declines and asks why he thinks she should be singing in the first place.

 

He invites Touka and Yomo to have a drink with him, but they say they have work in the morning.

 

He sits with Arima on a night that he isn’t headlining and asks him to stay for the last set, but Arima, in his steady monotone, relates that he came only to see him and that he is not interested in the other musicians.

 

He asks Tsukiyama to play music with him after hearing Hide tease him about something concerning the piano, but Tsukiyama, though clearly emotional regarding the whole thing, somehow finds the grace to make an excuse as if trying to let Kaneki down easy.

 

* * *

 

Kaneki openly confides in Hide. He’s seen Banjou in a book store. It had been difficult to come up with a reason to approach him, since he pretended to be completely blind at his shows, but he’d managed to bump into him and pass off recognizing his voice from the audience.

“As a thank you for coming to so many of my shows and supporting me, may I get you a coffee? There is a shop just outside this bookstore, and-”

“Ah, thank you Kaneki-san, but I actually have an appointment to go to. I’ll see you at your next Live.”

It is encounters like this that break Kaneki’s heart a little bit each time. He is direct, and forward, but he is not entirely tactless. Even if he wants to ask Banjou why the two of them can’t be friends or at least more than acquaintances, he doesn’t press the matter. He returns home to relate the whole experience to Hide.

Hide is ready for it by now, and always has some small piece of the past that he _does_ share with Kaneki- a tiny fact that could lift his spirits. Kaneki was good with making small things count, and he did so much for the people in his life. Hide knows there is risk involved in telling Kaneki these small bits of information, but if they set Kaneki’s worries at rest and there still has been no sign of him remembering, even over a year later, then surely it is harmless?

“It happened again, Hide,” Kaneki finished relating his bookstore story as he flopped down onto the bed they shared.

“Yes, but he never would have stepped a foot in that bookstore if it weren’t for you,” Hide assures him.

“I don’t understand what you mean.”

“You’re the one who taught him how to read.”

Kaneki’s lips form a smile he cannot hide, “I was that kind of person?”

“You have _always_ been and _always_ will be _that kind of person_ , and that, Ken, is why you are so loved by so many.”

“Hide . . .” Kaneki tears up even as he is smiling. He is convinced that if he were such a good person in his past life, it is because Hide made him good.

Hide smiles knowingly and pulls Kaneki into an embrace after telling him, “You have made so many happy, and you continue to do so now with your music.”

None of the people from his past will get closer to him, and, soon enough, despite Hide’s kindness and assurances, and despite his new, fairly trusting attitude, Kaneki begins to feel guilt regarding the others.

If they truly care for him, why won’t they accept him back into their lives? Nothing could be so terrible, so _tragic_ that it should mean that it’s better that he be isolated from all of them save for Hide. It doesn’t make any sense. Hide only tells him positive things about the past, so how could his past life really have been so bad?

Soon enough, Kaneki hits his limit.

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

He decides to speak to them - _ all of them _ -, one at a time, to be upfront about his feelings towards them and the current state he is in regarding their behavior towards him. 

Again, because he is the one there most often and also because he always comes alone, he approaches Arima first. 

He sits down at the table in the back after ending his set early, so that Arima doesn’t duck out before he can see him. 

Arima tells him _good evening_ but says nothing else as if he knows that Kaneki has something important he wants to say himself and he is leaving the floor open for him.

Kaneki takes a deep breath and begins, “Arima-san, I know you’re from my past. I know that you remember me the way I used to be, and you come here for every show because you care for me.”

Arima says nothing and it isn’t possible to read his unchanging expression, but he does inhale breath suddenly as if preparing himself for something.

Kaneki removed his glasses. His left eye is red despite there being no visible kakugan and his right is gray but glassy; it’s clear that he can see nothing from his right eye. Still, Kaneki directs both eyes at him and smiles a little, “I wanted to say, ‘ _ You don’t have to worry anymore _ ’. I’m happy now- with Hide and with my music . . . and knowing you and the others from my past, do . .  genuinely care for me.” He closed his eyes and opened them again, smiling genuinely with his back to the rest of the club.

Arima is speechless. He exhales and forms something of a smile in return, but he looks more bewildered than anything else. Kaneki watches the expressions shift across Arima’s face and it makes him feel nostalgic somehow.

Feeling more relaxed and bold, he reaches for the other’s hands that were folded on the table and takes them in his. Arima visibly shifts back in his chair but leaves his hands where they are. Kaneki’s smile only grows, “I promise, I’m fine now. You don’t have to worry anymore.”

Arima does not respond, perplexed. He simply waits, eyes searching from behind his own clear lenses for the answers.

“Thank you for loving me.”

Arima, now feeling conflicted, pulls his hands away, stands up, and walks out. 

Kaneki isn’t sure what to think from Arima’s actions, but he holds no regret for his own, so he releases a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and returns to the stage to help Hide break down his set.

* * *

 

With these simple, kind words, Kaneki speaks to each and every one of them. He realizes that he doesn’t feel hatred towards any of them, that, he must have created, in the past, at least one pleasant memory with each of them. He doesn’t have those memories any longer, but in speaking to them now, and in making this promise, he has created at least one more pleasant memory.

When he speaks to Amon, it is the second and last time. He doesn’t want it to be, but he tries to understand as he speaks his peace. He thanks him. He tells him not to worry, but also, for anything, he will be his ally because he trusts him more than most even without memories of why. 

Amon is surprised, but soon after, he feels a sense of humble pride. He still wants to support Kaneki; a part of him will always feel that way, but he understands now that just because the war is over, it doesn’t mean their relationship has to be. He considers the risks involved in remaining in Kaneki’s life, but decides it is too great. The young man will only be happy without regaining his memories.

* * *

 

When Kaneki speaks with the Quinx, he waits until it’s only the three he has a connection to- Yonebashi, Urie, and Mutstuki. He sits down with them and requests that they stay a moment.

“What is this about?” Urie’s words are not biting per-se, but they are unwelcoming none-the-less.

Kaneki shifts nervously behind his glasses and then gives up and removes them, “I’m here to say ‘thank you’.”

Saiko holds back her response. 

Mutsuki waits. 

Kaneki tries to meet their eyes, but as he speaks to them, it becomes more and more difficult, “When I saw the three of you the first time, I-I was sure that I knew you all before- in my past life. I knew immediately that the three of you were once quite important to me and I-”

“I don’t need to hear this.” Urie stands, and Kaneki’s expression cracks, but he says nothing to keep him there.

Mutstuki, however, grabs Urie’s arm and forcibly pulls him back into the chair, “Just hear what Sens-Kaneki-san has to say.”

Kaneki feels himself smile, “You three . . . I love you very much.”

Saiko feels her vision go blurry but tries her best to not let the tears fall.

“It may be unfair to say now, but I don’t think . . . I don’t think I ever made that apparent in the past somehow. I feel- I feel like I want to apologize for my actions even though I can’t remember them, I just know-I know that with whatever happened in my past, I must have loved you three very much. I’m sorry if that was never apparent before, but I just- when I see the three of you, I feel this sense of longing- like I-” and he is crying again.

And so is Saiko.

Mutsuki and Urie are gripping hands under the table. 

“I-I won’t live in the past, and I ask that you don’t either.”

Saiko stands and lunges at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and crying into his chest. He returns the embrace and tries to calm down. At some point, he whispers to her that he is proud of her, but it only serves to make her cry harder. 

Before they part ways, he tells them he’ll be okay and that they don’t have to worry. He feels surprised when Urie nods respectfully rather than deny any concern what-so-ever. 

That night, he cries in Hide’s arms until he is asleep. He can’t recall anything from his past but these emotions and the ones he had for those three and the one that is missing are overwhelming. Hide tells him they’re special and that’s okay. He tells him that his feelings are valid and there is no shame in them. He reminds him that now, especially, more than ever, they know just how loved they were by him.

* * *

 

When he meets the woman with the green hair, Eri, the second time, he feels a sense of admiration inside him.

“I still don’t remember you, Eri, but . . . you must have been incredibly important to me.”

She laughs lightly, “ _ Incredibly? _ I’m honored.”

“I understand . . . if we can’t be together now.” She doesn’t seem open to a friendship despite her being one of the most open people about his past. 

She only nods to the affirmative, “It would be best, Kaneki, if I remained only a spectator in this life.”

“Thank you for caring for me.”

She dismisses his words quickly, “Eh, your music is quite beautiful.”

“Of course.” And he goes on, with a smile on his lips, “I just wanted to say you don’t have to worry anymore. I’m happy now.”

And that was when she burst out laughing loud enough to disturb several others in the bar. “ _ Worry? _ About  _ you? _ ” She laughs more, “Ah, my invincible protagonist can face death itself and live. I’m not here out of concern.”

“O-oh,” he’s blushing suddenly.

Eri smirks, “I’ll stop coming if I get bored.”

“R-right.” Kaneki tries to laugh off the eerie feeling he is getting from her now, but it sticks to him for the rest of the night.

* * *

 

Some farewells are easier than others and he says the words he needs to with confidence and kindness. 

By the time he speaks to Akira and Seidou a second time, the uneasy feeling is mostly gone. He is warm and caring towards both of them, though Akira especially, and he even makes a few jokes expecting her to roll her eyes- which she does. She actually surprises everyone and gives him a hug in response. She doesn’t affirm one way or another if she was coming out of concern, but the embrace makes Kaneki feel safe, loved, and accepted.

After he tells Nishio and Kimi not to worry and Kimi is very touched and Nishio is hiding behind his glasses, Hide comes out of nowhere and calls Nishio  _ senpai  _ just to piss him off. Again, the others are laughing at Nishio’s expense.

With Hinami and Ayato, he doesn’t hold back his feelings towards Hinami and embraces her without warning or restraint. 

Hinami gives Ayato a warning with her eyes before Ayato can speak to the contrary 

Kaneki feels similar feelings towards her as he did with the Quinx, but for some reason, he doesn’t cry. He feels that, in her embrace, she possesses a strength that the others did not have exactly though he has no idea why. When he tells them to move on, he feels like a big brother sending his siblings off to create a life separate from him somehow, but it’s okay. He feels they should both be handled with care and that they will do so for each other. He is very kind towards Ayato even if Ayato seems rather put out by it. When they part ways, all three of them are smiling.

Kaneki finds Banjou outside in the street in the 6th Ward. When he sees him and asks him to not worry, it’s cold outside, and Kaneki, without knowing why, feels like he wants to protect him. Knowing that Banjou has already established boundaries, Kanei simply takes off his own scarf and wraps it around Banjou. He says what he needs to say and Banjou is speechless and gets a bit flustered and emotional but then gathers himself up only for Jiro, Sante and Ichimi make fun of him later.

* * *

 

When he tries to speak his peace towards Tsukiyama, Shuu interrupts him.   


“I will always, always, worry for you Kaneki-kun, because-” but Shuu doesn’t finish his sentence.   


“Because?” Kaneki wants to be patient, but this man is always so emotional that it leaves him feelings desperate. He hates that he appears to be so unhappy beside him.   


“Non- I cannot say, but- don’t ask me to leave your side. Please, don’t ever ask that of me.” Tsukiyama stands, the chair scraping the floor difinitively, and walks out.   


Kaneki doesn’t understand, but he doesn’t approach Tsukiyama again, not to be friendly with him or to tell him to move on. 

Seeing Tsukiyama makes him feel lonely, and even when he tries discussing it with Hide, the feeling does not subside. 

* * *

 

When he goes to speak with Touka and Yomo the second time to tell them not to worry, he actually follows them from the bar he’d been playing in to find where they live. He finds that they live above a coffee shop called :re. It all feels nostalgic, but no memories actually resurface. He is determined to speak to them now, no matter how unwilling they appear to be.   


He comes back to :re the next day. Both Yomo and Touka are working. He comes to the counter and orders a coffee with a smile on his face. Touka smiles back, nervously, and gets to work.    


“I’m glad I can finally speak with you.”   


Yomo is watching and pretending to be busy.    


“How did you know?” she is happy he is there, but she is nervous, too. She misses him so much, but she doesn’t want him to suffer.   


Kaneki laughs, and without shame, simply admits, “Well, I followed you two home last night.”   


Yomo spills something. Touka blushes red, “You-you what?”   


“Neither of you would speak to me. I had something I wanted to say is all.” He laughs again, and both of them are surprised by how honest he is even if they have seen it at his shows when he interacts with Hide and talks to his audience.    


Touka serves him the coffee. When he tastes it, he doesn’t cry, but he laughs and says, “I knew it would taste like a sweet dream. This place is beautiful, and I’m sure I came here in the past, but . . . it’s this coffee . . . and the two of you that makes me certain I was happy here.”   


Yomo smiles gently.   


Touka’s blush returns. It wasn’t accurate. His good memories were at Anteiku, but that’s not the point. “Kaneki, you-”   


“Hey, hey! It’s okay, I’m really happy now, and, you two don't have to worry about me anymore.” He took another sip and stretched, “If it’s okay, I’d really like to make more happy memories here, though.”   


Touka’s eyes widened. He’d remember. It would mean that-   


“No? That’s okay. I know where to find you now, at least, so we’re even.”   


He pays for the coffee, and on his way out, flashes a smile, “I’m sure we’ll meet again!”

Touka snorts, “That guy.”

Yomo’s smile is the joy of the customer's for the rest of the afternoon.

* * *

 

Through all of these interactions, when Hide catches these little sneaky reunions, he just marvels at how happy Kaneki is, how he is always full of laughter, how he seems to just be eager to smile and make others smile as well, and how earnest his feelings towards these people he has no memories of are.

Kaneki notices that some stop showing up to his concerts after he openly and confidently shares his true emotions and feelings. 

Yet, there are some that _ don’t _ stop attending, and it’s those few that, though they tread carefully, can’t seem to let go of the past . . .


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have very clear favorites. Sorry/Not Sorry

It had been two years since Kaneki has woken up to his new life and nearly a year since his live debut. 

Hide opens his own jazz bar/cafe in an attempt to bring all of the people Kaneki loves to a central location. In a sense, he is providing a way for them to always find him should they wish to be a part of his life again. He feels fairly certain that Kaneki won’t remember now that so much time has passed and he has been interacting with so many others. He feels a bit guilty in keeping Kaneki all to himself even if Kaneki claims he is happy this way anyway.

They own the apartment above the jazz bar as well and decide to move in together. The apartment and cafe are a little boring as far as decorating goes. Tsukiyama helps Hide when he has time to add decorations. Shuu mentions that an accent wall with a mural of some sort would be beautiful, and Hide decides he might ask Urie at some point . . . when things feel easier and it appears that Kaneki’s memories will absolutely never return. A lot of musicians are hosted there, but Kaneki plays once a week to share his own music and off and on throughout the day, he simply plays the piano for customers to enjoy. It picks up in popularity due to the “handsome and talented pianist” and “inviting and friendly manager”.

Amon, Akira, and the Quinx sometimes pop in as well as Touka, Hinami, and Ayato. It is much more rare to see them at his shows, however, and this makes him happy that he spoke to them in the first place.

* * *

 

Tsukiyama continues to peek in and check on Kaneki when he can. He doesn’t approach him, but his presence is easily felt when he attends the shows. 

He leaves his flower blog address for Hide to give to Kaneki and Hide readily accepts. In the case of Tsukiyama, he feels a bit guilty at times, however rarely. 

It is a new one flower blog so that Kaneki can’t look back on previous entries or anything. Half of what Tsukiyama writes about is directed at Kaneki, but Kaneki doesn’t hear it at all and assumes that Tsukiyama is either very kind to his fans or that he is pining for someone else when he reads them. Sometimes he reads the entries to Hide and laughs about them or becomes saddened when they’re a bit somber. Hide understands the messages, and it is a little difficult knowing what he does know about Tsukiyama’s feelings towards Kaneki and their past, but he says nothing of it and responds to Kaneki rather than Shuu’s words themselves.

Over time, Kaneki notices this, but he doesn’t ask about it. He tries not to ask about the past still, and he is sometimes rewarded with Hide offering information here and there, however sparse.

* * *

 

Arima doesn’t stop coming, but he listens usually by the door of the venue and makes himself hidden or he will sit at a particular back table and only stay for part of the show and then leaves. It’s best to at least attempt to respect Kaneki’s wishes.

Arima and Kaneki begin to exchange books, but it begins only when Arima leaves a book he had been reading there on the back table he usually sits at for about a third of the show before he leaves. Kaneki finds it and reads it, and, as he is reading, he notices that there are a few lines underlined and some pages have been bent to keep place or mark a memorable scene. As Kaneki reads, he feels like he’s having a small conversation with the man from his past, so, the very next saturday, he leaves the book waiting for Arima when he comes in only now, it has been marked with his own thoughts and reflections.

Arima finds it and understands and the two begin to exchange books and thoughts in this way. Each time there are more and more annotations and responses, but after the fourth or fifth one, Kaneki just writes a letter to him. He tries to keep it abstract so as not to push Arima away, knowing that he will be less likely to respond if they discuss particularities of his life. 

Sometimes, Kaneki shares the things Arima writes with Hide. It sparks conversation between them, too. Hide is impressed that of all of the people in Kaneki’s life, Arima appears to have the most difficulty staying away and it is him that appears to be longing for a connection more than anyone else. He feels like he misjudged Arima, or rather, misjudged how important Kaneki was to him. 

Kaneki writes to Arima about feelings, mostly, and he tells him about what inspires his music or particular songs. Arima writes to him about anything and everything he has no one else to talk to about. The letters are therapeutic for him, and they help him understand himself and the people around him better. He thinks that if it keeps up, he’d be able to understand Kaneki, the way he was back then, even better. While it is true that it is evident now that he meant something to Haise back then, he still doesn’t quite understand their relationship. He thinks he loved Haise and maybe Haise was the only person ever deserving it, but he also understands that love takes many forms, and he hasn’t yet understood what form he felt towards Haise. Whatever it was, it carried the deepest amount of trust he’d ever had for anyone in his life thus far. 

Kaneki makes attempts to reconnect with Touka and visits :re at least once a week. He’s flirtatious towards her, and he ends up pissing her off here and there, but he knows she is happy and is never actually nervous around her. She’s amazed to see him like he is now, but she is happy for it, too, even if it means he does not remember.

Seeing him now and getting to know him as he is now helps her to move on as well, and she slowly begins to heal properly. She even gives Yoriko a call whose first response to hearing her voice is, “What took you so long?”

* * *

At one point, Banjou visits :re as well, and Kaneki seizes the opportunity by nonchalantly wondering aloud, “Hmmm, I wonder about Mayuge-san. I haven’t seen him in a while.”

Touka doesn’t get it, “Who now?”

But Banjou pipes in, “Isn’t Amon-san upset with that nickname?”

“Amon-san? Hahaha, so Mayuge’s real name is Amon? It’s so unique. Koutarou Amon?” Hide had called him Koutarou before, but he had never heard his last name. 

“Yeah, he seems like- wait, you didn’t know his name?!” Banjou starts sweating enough to shower one man. He realizes that had been Kaneki’s game and if Amon hadn’t corrected the amnesiac thus far, that meant he didn’t want him to know.

“Thank you, Banjou-san,” Kaneki laughs and Touka shakes her head. Kaneki, very slyly, continues the conversation and slowly weeds more information out of Banjou, much to Banjou’s distress. He learns that Amon Koutarou works in the 20th Ward and has his own office, though Kaneki was unable to piece together what for. 

Banjou feels very guilty for it, and avoids Hide like the plague. He doesn’t say anything to anyone about letting the information slip that it was he Kaneki found so much out from. Touka rolls her eyes when he asks her to promise not to tell Hide.

* * *

 

A quick Google search shows Kaneki that Amon Koutarou works as a Private Investigator. He has his own office, and a few of the Quinx work with him solving various crimes and cases for the general.

Without telling Hide, Kaneki wears a disguise and visits Amon with a request for a fake investigation. Dressed as  _ Kaneko _ , he shows up in a pencil skirt and wearing a wedding ring he got out of a gashapon; he needs Amon to investigate whether or not his  _ husband _ is being faithful.

Koutarou is actually pretty sick of these sorts of cases as they are rather typical, but they keep the business steady, at least, so he doesn’t complain. He might just take the woman’s statement and then hand it over to one of the others to deal with. Saiko was usually pretty good with these sorts of things somehow.

When he sees Kaneko, he is struck with an unflinching familiarity, but it doesn’t register right away. As Kaneko speaks, he becomes certain he has met her before and asks if that’s the case.

Kaneki, enjoying this to the fullest extent, just has fun with it, “Amon-san, are you flirting with me?”

Amon doesn’t get flustered right away, but he is clearly sweating, “No Ma’m, you just seem familiar.”

Kaneki asks him questions about his dating life, friends, and family. Truth be told, he wants to see how far he can go before the man is too flustered to go on. Finally, past the point of embarrassment, Kotarou snaps a bit, “Miss Kaneko, this is hardly the appropriate conversation for-”

Kaneki bursts out laughing, and can’t hold it in any longer due to the expressions playing across Koutarou’s face. He is convinced they were friends, now; they had to of been more than just  _ allies _ . He feels a deep affection for him even though he has only met him a few times throughout the year. It might have something to do with the fact that he is with those three- Yonebashi, Urie, and Mutstuki, seemingly in his place.

“Amon-kun, it’s me, Kaneki.”

Koutarou pales, and then a second later goes pink. Before he can start questioning him, Kaneki voices his reasons.

“I wanted to get to know you better. You’re always a bit cold with me, but I’m sure that wasn’t the case in the past. I know we can’t pick up where we left off, but can’t we at least start over? There is no harm in friendship, is there?” 

Koutarou is surprised, but after a moment, he smiles.

Kaneki teases him by being just a bit flirtatious with a wink, “Please treat me well, Kou-taro-kun.”

Amon is caught somewhere between being exasperated and turned on.

They keep in touch through text mostly but rarely meet. Kaneki never tells Hide and so more and more secrets begin to sprout between them.

* * *

Kaneki, inspired by Tsukiyama and encouraged by Arima, makes his own personal blog. It’s mostly about his music and working in the cafe with Hide. He writes about what inspires him, the customers at the cafe/bar, and literature. He gets a lot of anonymous commenters, and he tries to place the words to faces each time.

It makes Hide nervous. He is visibly worried when he notices what Kaneki has been doing at his computer and how much time he has spent there recently. Again, it’s not that he doesn’t want to share his time with the others, and it isn’t that he thinks it is dangerous per-se, but his last conversation with Kaneki had been too much. The words Kaneki had told with him haunt him often. 

He can’t let Kaneki remember. He can’t.

Kaneki notices Hide’s curiosity and tries to calm him down by letting him in. He opens his arms to him and pulls him onto his lap, much to Hide’s delight, “Come look.”

Hide shakes away his darker thoughts that have no place in Kaneki’s arms and is smiling as he looks at the simple blog that his a border of the sign and flowers out front. The entry is about the inspiration for a song he was working on- a person that is elegant, serenely powerful, and a touch exotic. 

“Please don’t worry, Hide. There is no harm in it. It’s the least I can do for them . . . “ he kisses Hide on the cheek and then the lips before turning his eyes back to the screen, “Besides, I want to do this for myself, too. It’s fun.”

Hide sighs as he reads the anonymous comments. It may not be obvious to Kaneki, but it is obvious to him who the commenters are.

_ I wonder who it is that touches Piano Man’s heart in this way? _

That one was clearly Shuu. Even though anyone visiting the bar could easily learn Kaneki’s name, Kaneki only referred to himself as  _ Piano Man _ online.

_ The way you describe this song is very eloquent. Have you ever considered writing more than just lyrics? What about writing your own story, Piano Man? _

Hide sighs again. That one was Eto.

_ You didn’t list the drink specials. _

That one was probably Nishio. Maybe Ayato.

_ Instead of writing about the song, shouldn’t you be writing the song? _

Definitely Touka.

_ The way you personify feelings within your music is very unique. I expect to hear this song Saturday. _

Probably Arima.

_ This person sounds beautiful! Are you in love, Piano Man? _

Hide rolls his eyes. Saiko knows better.

“Hide?” Kaneki watches Hide’s expressions as he reads the comments. 

“You want to know them, too.” It wasn’t a question. Hide knows that Kaneki wants to be able to read these anonymous comments and place words to faces.

“I won’t lie, I do. But-” Kaneki pulls Hide closer, and they adjust so that Hide is facing him, “I don’t need anything else. I have you.” He takes Hide’s hands in his and kisses his left hand, “My dearest friend,” and then he kisses his right, “My precious family.” Finally, he pulls Hide forward to kiss his lips once, “My whole heart.” He means most of it. Most days, Hide is everything. Today is one of those days he is certain he can be happy just like this forever. 

Hide is blushing from how romantic and open he is and laughs a bit in spite of himself, “I’ll never get used to this, but you keeping me on my toes is a good thing.”

Kaneki appears innocent, “How?”

“One moment you’re speaking poetry without the slightest hint of embarrassment, and the next you’re telling me something so forward and blunt that I get whiplash.”

It’s Kaneki’s turn to laugh, “Ah, even if I were fully blind, I’d be happy seeing the world through your eyes alone.”

“See what I mean!?”

Kaneki only laughs more, “I love you Hide. Let’s fuck on the balcony. The weather is so nice today.”

“Ken!”

“You’re right, there isn’t any furniture there yet. How about we open the balcony door and all of the windows, then? We can fuck in bed with the wind blowing through the room and- what is it?”

Hide is kissing him. It doesn’t matter where they make love. The fact that he is finally together with Kaneki again, and that they have a chance at being happy is enough. It’s more than enough. He never wants this to end. If Kaneki remembers, it will all be over. 


	6. Chapter 6

The song he’d been discussing in his most recent blog post had been written for Tsukiyama Shuu, and without Hide knowing, he sets up a meeting with Shuu through his blog at a nearby coffee house. He’d been speaking to the other through the internet under the handle of Haise. The name had just resonated with him.

Shuu had spoken to Haise about a month before agreeing to meet him at a small hipster cafe in Omiya. The whole way there, he’d been praying it would be Kaneki waiting for him, and when it was, he felt his heart catch somewhere in his throat. 

Shuu reluctantly sits down at the table, “Kaneki-san, I didn’t realize you-”

Kaneki waves the words away. “I’m sorry I lied, Tsukiyama-san. I’m Haise. I wanted to meet with you again, but I knew you would have refused had I approached you directly. Please, stay and have a coffee with me?”

“Kaneki-kun, you just-”

“Ah, that’s what you used to call me, right?” The name produced from the other’s lips sounds particularly affectionate. Just hearing him saying it like that makes Kaneki certain that Shuu likely had sacrificed something for him. He realizes that the person sitting across from him is at least somewhat under his control. That came with a certain amount of responsibility that he wanted to accept, not neglect.

Tsukiyama deflates.

Kaneki removes his glasses, “You’re very beautiful, Tsukiyama-san, so please don’t look discouraged. Ah, I’m not completely blind really, so I see you at my lives often. Here, I brought you these.” Kaneki hands Tsukiyama violet phlox.

Hide had told Shuu already that the half-ghoul was blind only in one eye. Shuu tries not to cry.

“I made things worse!” Kaneki laughs, “Sorry, sorry. Look, you know what they mean right?”

Tsukiyama nods.  _ To reach a consensus. For souls to be united to work together as one. _

“Well, I, again, won’t ask about the past, but I will say that I can feel it. We were important to each other, right?” He finds the other endearing, interesting, mysterious, and, because the other appears to wear his heart on his sleeve,  _ sad _ . He can’t let the other despair, especially with it being clearly obvious that he has something to do with it- that  _ their past  _ has something to do with it. 

Tears are escaping Shuu’s eyes and he doesn’t answer. Kaneki is the world to him, but he knows better. The feeling was never mutual.

“Please don’t cry. I wrote a song for you. That’s why I asked you here today.”

Shuu has to wipe the tears from his face with a handkerchief. Kaneki smiles and is patient for Shuu to respond.

Shuu, ever since Kaneki has appeared in his life again, has been a mix of conflicting thoughts and feelings. He wants to be honest with him, but a part of him is scared. If he is accepted, he might hurt Kaneki again, and if he isn’t accepted, he’ll be hurt himself. Shuu takes a deep breath and clears his face of tears before admitting, “I hurt you, Kaneki-kun . . . more than once.”

Kaneki is gentle with his words and practically glowing, “But it’s clear I hurt you, too, didn’t I? More than once?”

Shuu tries to compose himself, his own red eyes transfixed on Kaneki’s single one. It really is beautiful.

“That is the past, and it is clear to me now how much you care for me.”

Shuu is too emotional, but his sobs are silent. Kaneki takes his hand and holds it to support him like Hide does for him at times when he has nightmares he says he never remembers.

“I-I had always hoped to hear those words, but I never dared to wish.”

It finally dawns on Kaneki that Shuu is actually or was actually in love with him at some point. Suddenly, a lot of things concerning Tsukiyama Shuu make sense to him. If Shuu really does feel that way, he feels relieved that him and Hide still get along so well. It is Hide, after all, but still- He wants both of them to exist in his life even if that’s asking quite a bit.

“Won’t you make music together with me? At least hear the song I-”

“K-Kaneki-kun, I-I can’t.” Shuu can’t look at him anymore. Kaneki is treating him too kindly after all this time. He deserves some of it on one hand but on the other, he doesn’t. Nothing but conflicting feelings, he just wants to leave. He can’t move on from Kaneki; he’s a poison that has never left his body and one of which there is no cure for. 

“But you’ll never leave me? That’s unfair.” Kaneki lets go of the other’s hand and leans back in his chair with a small, sad smile, “That’s a very lonely existence.”

“I-”

“If that is your way of loving me, it’s wrong.” the words are out before he considers them, and once they are hanging in the air, Kaneki feels some amount of relief. He feels like they aren’t meant only for Shuu, but for the others as well. One step at a time, anyway.

Shuu doesn’t know what to say to that. Kaneki will always surprise him, amaze him, fascinate him to no end . . .

“It hurts to know that someone who cares for me is making themselves suffer in my name. Please, let go of this. Our souls are united, right? Can’t we work together?”

Shuu has never heard Kaneki say anything like this, and he never, in a million years would have expected those words be directed at him.

He only cries and nods his head, “If that’s truly what you want, Kane-”

“Ken.” He insists on the familiarity now even if it wasn’t something they had in the past. Maybe it will make things easier for Tsukiyama or maybe not.

“ . . . Ken.”

“And it is. What I want, I mean. Also, Shuu, . . . thank you for coming. I think I do understand your blog a little bit better now.” Kaneki is laughing, teasing him to try and lighten the mood.

Shuu is blushing from the use of his first name, “I don’t want to come between you and Hide-kun.”

Kaneki nearly spills his coffee and laughs more, “You could never, so don’t worry about that! Nothing ever could.”

When Shuu leaves the coffee house with the small bouquet in his arms, his eyes are still red and puffy, making it clear that he has been crying.

Arima had heard Kaneki’s laughter from the open cafe window as he was walking down the street. He opened the door just as Tsukiyama was walking out. Their eyes met briefly, and Shuu passed him with a sniffle and without looking back. Arima couldn’t help but notice that even when looking like he’d been crying, even with an expression of hopelessness, the Tsukiyama family’s heir looked rather beautiful.

“Arima-san!” Kaneki waves over the ex-investigator to his table.

Arima makes his way over wordlessly and sits down. He had been invited by Kaneki to meet there, though he didn’t quite understand why they were meeting all the way in Omiya. 

“I think I might have just broken someone’s heart. Do you know what that’s like?”

Arima smiles, something that was beginning to come more naturally in the last year. Being with Haise-no, Kaneki, makes him happy regardless of the past or circumstances. He can recognize that happiness now.

* * *

 

The first sign that something is going wrong is when Hide notices that Kaneki isn’t talking to him as much. He wants to attribute it to the fact that the open line of communication with Arima via the letters they exchange is helping him sort out his concerns more easily, but he isn’t convinced that that is all it is. Something else is going on. 

After about a month, he checks the history on Kaneki’s Suica card out of curiosity. Kaneki has made several trips to Omiya.

Within the same week, Hide goes back through all of Kaneki’s blog entries and reads every comment for clues. 

He stops before going through the other’s phone. Instead of doing that, he realizes that what he should be doing is just confronting Kaneki about it directly. 

After a full two months of growing suspicion, Hide finally addresses it.

“You’re right,” Kaneki admits, “There are some things I haven’t said.”

“Why?” Where it should be a relief that Kaneki is openly admitting that something unknown to Hide has been going on, it doesn’t actually make the brunette feel any better at all. Hide knows that it should be okay for Kaneki to have secrets; they’d always had secrets between one-another, but this- He wasn’t just keeping secrets this time.

“I don’t care, Hide, what our relationship was in the past, because what we have now feels right.”

Hide doesn’t understand the correlation at all and wonders briefly if Kaneki is trying to distract him. 

They’re sitting in the cafe before it opens for the evening shift. Kaneki straightens his back.“I feel the same with the others from my past-”

“Ken-”

“Ah, before you berate me, listen to what I have to say.”

Hide holds his tongue. Kaneki had used the word berate. Is that really what he expected? He doesn’t mean to be negative; he is just concerned like the others. Regaining his memories will destroy what happiness and trust he has now. It will destroy Kaneki. It will destroy everything they have together. 

“It’s the same for them. I’ve met with Shuu-kun and Koutarou-kun a few times, and I think you already figured this one out, but I visit Touka and Yomo-san at least once a week or so over at :re. It makes me happy . . . communicating with them . . . It makes me happy  _ as the person I am now _ . Even if the past was difficult, I’m happy to create something with all of them now.”

“Ken,” Hide feels weak, like he is scared, but he also feels guilty for trying to separate him from the others even if he wasn’t anywhere near as protective as he was even six months ago.

Kaneki stands and walks over to him, gets down on his knees and holds Hide with his head in his lover’s lap, “I know how much you love me, and I know, I think, how much they love me. I want to show all of you my gratitude and love as well.”

Hide bites his lip and finally lets slip his facade, “I’m scared, Ken.”

Kaneki looks up and smiles gently, “I’m not.”

There are words Hide doesn't say. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you feel it? The impending doom?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Half of this is AriTsuki, so, yup, turn back if it is a journey you don't want to take. To skip it, go to the last horizontal line.

When Tsukiyama still refuses to play music with him, Kaneki decides to take matters into his own hands. From what he knows about Arima, Arima would appreciate someone loyal, kind, and honest. From what he knows about Tsukiyama, Shuu would prefer someone who is dedicated, kind, maybe a bit dangerous or inaccessible(?)- well, certainly a challenge. He has a love of dramatics and tragedy or so it would seem.

He knows that plotting such things is over the top, but life is best lived in the company of others, and he doesn’t want to see those two alone any longer. So, he takes the most recent book he and Arima has exchanged, except he does not mark in it at all, himself, and he doesn’t open the abstract letter, either. He is taking a risk in not knowing the contents of the letter he was leaving Tsukiyama to find, but he isn’t worried about it. Usually the letters are eloquent, vulnerable, and rather telling and honest, so he is sure Tsukiyama would enjoy it regardless of the subject.

Kaneki times it so that Tsukiyama is there to find it but Arima is nowhere to be seen. When the ghoul arrives to the table and sits down with the book, Kaneki turns around quickly at the bar to face Hide on the other side, unable to contain his mirth.

“What’s gotten into you?”

“Ts-tsukiyama-san-he”

Hide looks around him to find him, “What about-?”

Kaneki grabs him from the others side of the counter, “Don’t look!”

“What?” Hide straightens but keeps his eyes on his lover, “Are you playing a prank?”

“No, no,” he smiles, “I’m playing matchmaker.”

“What?” There is a pause and then Hide bursts into laughter.

“Don’t draw attention to yourself!”

“Right Right!” Hide’s smile is now as big as Kaneki’s, “So who is the lucky-?”

“Arima-san.”

Hide freezes.

“I think it could make sense.” He immediately defends his decision, “Arima-san likes-”

“Stop, stop.”

Kaneki is quiet.

Hide realizes the only reason Kaneki ever thought this was possible was because he has absolutely no knowledge of the past at all. “. . . Okay, I’ll help you.”

“I didn’t ask for-”

“Your first mistake is remaining at the scene of the crime. Get out of here! You can’t leave Shuu an opening to return the book.”

“R-right!”

“Go!”

“Okay! Okay!”

 

* * *

 

 

In his own home, Tsukiyama reads the annotated copy of the book. What’s written there is thoughtful, compassionate, curious, and _so unlike anything he’d ever imagine the CCG’s reaper ever saying._

What the hell?!

He doesn’t read the letter until he has finished the book, and he opens it carefully so as not to tear it. He’d easily be able to close it once more without anyone knowing it had ever been opened.

_Dear Ken,_

_I hope that the topic this week isn’t too morose, but I would be much obliged in hearing your thoughts concerning loneliness. It isn’t until recently that I’ve felt that word applies to myself, and I think that it is largely part to these letters, your music, and your . . . shows that I realize it now. There are perhaps, only moments I can count on one hand in which I was not alone. Please take pride in knowing you were involved in most of them._

_It did not dawn on me at that time, but I realize now, entirely thanks to your involvement in my life, I’ve never trusted anyone. Is trusting others what eases loneliness, or does it just make you more aware of how alone you really are once that person is gone?_

Tsukiyama stops reading, because he can’t read through the tears in his eyes. Arima Kishou, the hated and feared Arima Kishou . . . was so . . . inept . . . incompetent . . . lost. The ghoul wipes away at his tears. These words are so brutally honest, and he was sharing them- they were _meant_ to be shared with only one person- Kaneki- yet here he was reading them himself. Tsukiyama put the letter away and sealed it once more. He’d return this to Kaneki this instant.

At the cafe, he notices immediately that Arima is seated at his typical table in the back, but he turns away from him immediately to find Kaneki at the bar chatting with Hide.

Apparently he’ll be going on stage soon, so the Tsukiyama heir makes a beeline with the book outstretched. “Kaneki, this is yours!”

Kaneki put his hands up defensively, refusing to take the book, “Ah, Tsukiyama-san, I’m about to go on stage, and I don’t think that’s mine. Maybe there’s a name on the inside cover?”

Flustered, Tsukiyama protests, “No, it is def-” and then remembers that the only place anything is addressed to Kaneki is inside the sealed and unopened envelope.

Damn it.

Hide prods as well, “Check the cover.”

Tsukiyama already knows what the inside cover says, and he can’t help but wonder if the two are in on a secret he is not, “It says ‘ _Arima Kishou’_.”

“Sweet, he’s here tonight. You can give it to him yourself.” Hide smiles.

Kaneki falls from his stool and heads towards the small stage, “Yeah, I gotta go! Thanks for coming to the show, Shuu!”

“S-sure . . . Hide, I really,” he turns only to see that Hide is already taking orders at the other end of the bar.

Well. Fine. He’ll just drop it off with the man and then be on his way but- Kaneki thinks he’s staying for the show. Had he brought this all upon himself?

Tsukiyama nervously approached the back table, but it wasn’t until he set the book down in front of the reaper that the man in question actually looked up, “Tsukiyama-san? Sit down. The show has already started.”

Tsukiyama waits a moment before processing that the human is only inviting him out of respect to Kaneki. He sits down, but he makes quick work of why he is there, because the sooner he could leave, the better, “I accidentally picked up your book, but I swear I didn’t read any of it; I’m just here to return it.”

“That’s too bad. The cousin of the main character somewhat reminded me of you.”

“You mean Leo? How could Leo possibly re-” Tsukiyama fell silent, a blush surfacing on his face.

Arima smiles slightly and turns his head to meet the ghoul’s eyes.

Tsukiyama feels himself unravel. He has found beauty second to Kaneki and it is here in the reaper’s smile.

“You were in Omiya a few weeks ago with Kaneki.”

“Yes.” the ghoul somehow finds his voice.

“I met him afterward. Is it true that he broke your heart that day?”

Shuu’s breath catches in his throat and he can’t breathe or speak suddenly. Did the reaper really just ask that? How insensitive could one person be? How-

“He cried that day, too, saying he wanted to do the right thing by you, but he wasn’t sure what that was.” Arima is more curious than anything else. He clearly just wants to understand; he was never mocking Shuu.

“Arima Kishou . . .”

Still curious, Arima leans over and kisses him.

“I-” Shuu can feel the blood in his cheeks. Only their lips had met, and so briefly, but it was enough to make him want more.

“Follow me.” It’s crazy, but it’s a chance, so Arima takes it.

And Shuu feels the same way.

With that, they leave the Live and Hide is left wondering just how talented his lover is in matchmaking, because this whole thing had seemed entirely ludicrous to him.

 

* * *

 

 

“My nightmares are usually about losing you.” Kaneki lay awake beside Hide with his eyes open, thoughtful, and seemingly unaffected by the nightmare that had just moments ago stirred him awake.

Hide, who was already on his side facing him, merely moved his hand to find Kaneki’s and hold it gently to encourage him to go on. He’d been waiting for this moment. Something was going on and Kaneki wasn’t telling him.

The silent plea from Hide was loud and clear to the half-ghoul, but he shook his head slowly, “No, you probably don’t want to hear.”

Hide pulls his lover’s hand to his lips to kiss his fingers and then moves his other hand out from underneath a pillow to use both to cover Kaneki’s, “You know very well that I want to know everything.”

“Not this . . .”

Hide frowns.

Kaneki laughs.

Hide pouts.

Kaneki gave in, “Okay, okay. I think-” his eyes shifting away from Hide’s.

Hide took a deep breath and released it. It was rare that Kaneki, at least the way he was now, was nervous about anything, so his current  behavior could only mean one thing.

Kaneki still wouldn’t meet his eyes, “I think that the nightmares I have been having are not just nightmares.” His mismatched eyes met Hide’s, “I think they’re memories. I-they’re too vivid not to be. We’re in a sewer, and I have a kakuja like a centipede and you’re dressed like you’re going into battle and I’m eating you and you’re just holding me and I can’t stop crying but your words are so sweet and I enjoy it and I keep eating until you’re dead and I’m just holding your corpse a moment before I-before I-I just keep eating you and I-”

“Stop stop stop- shhh- Ken, please, stop- That never happened.”

The half ghoul welcomes the contact eagerly and practically wraps himself around his lover as the tears only grow worse. “I’m sure it did.”

“It didn’t. Ken, I’m telling you, love, look at me. I wouldn’t lie to you. You know that.”

“I want to believe that but I- It’s so real, Hide!”

“Oh my god, Ken, I had no idea you were dreaming about this. No-no, listen to me- look at me. I’m alive.”

“Yes.”

Hide repeated, holding his lover’s eyes in his own, “I’m alive, Ken.”

“But your scars.”

“Yes.”

“I-”

“I asked you to.”

“Then it did!”

“Not like that, Ken!

“How could you know?!”

“Because I remember.” Kaneki whimpers. “I was there, and I remember it very vividly. Ken, you talked back to me. You were with me the whole time. I remember, because it-”

“What is it?”

“It was the first time I’d told you . . . directly.”

“What?”

“That I love you.”

“So, I did go mad? I did have a kakuja. You were a soldier of some sort and I ate you. I _ate_ you. No wonder you don’t want me to remember anything!”

“Ken, please, please listen to me.” Hide kisses him once, quickly on the lips, “I love you. You are everything to me- everything. This-” he pulls his shirt down to reveal the scars, “This was it. This was all you took, and even that, Ken- even that, I had to beg you to take. This injury, Ken, that was a fraction of what- No, I won’t say it, but- Ken-”

“I know you would do anything for me. I feel the same way.” Kaneki is quiet a moment and his expression finally relaxes, “But because there is so much I don’t remember, it scares me- the knowledge that I’d do anything to-”

“Don’t be scared.” Hide embraces him, “and trust me.”

“I do trust you,” Kaneki insists softly. It was himself he was beginning to trust less.


	8. Chapter 8

“Oh, hey! Kuki!” Kaneki calls for the six Quinx to stop after he finishes a simple set on the piano during the day at the cafe. Saiko had insisted on the Quinx going there that day, and as soon as Kaneki calls for Urie, he shoots a glare in her direction to which she only smiles prettily.

Kaneki, without thinking, takes Urie’s hands with a shining smile, “I heard you paint!”

The shock keeps Urie from pulling his hands back away, “Yes?”

“Great! Hide and I want to paint the stage wall.” Kaneki is smiling at him, hoping he’ll agree.

“What?” Urie wants a name. Someone is so dead.

“We want to hire you. You can paint whatever you like. I think he wanted something along the lines of Osamu Dazai, but I really don’t care what it is. You can paint anything, okay?”

Urie deadpans, “N-”

Saiko interrupts Urie’s inevitable refusal with an acceptance on his behalf, “Thank you, Kaneki-san!”

Kaneki lets go of Urie’s hands and smiles brilliantly at Saiko, “Of course! You can help, too, if you like Saiko-chan.”

Saiko blushes. It is the first time he’d used ‘chan’ when speaking to her- like he had back then.

Haise greets all of the Quinx, even the ones he felt no connection to, with a large smile, “I’m so happy all of you visited today. Thank you for coming.” He turns to Mutsuki, “Mutsuki, when do you all have off next?”

“The next national holiday is-”

“Settled! All of you come that day. We’ll close and redecorate and paint. Sound good?” He looks to Saiko from behind his glasses as if she speaks for the group.

“See you then, Maman!”

Kaneki pretends not to hear the nickname, but he is visibly blushing, “Take care!” He waves them off and watches them go.

As soon as they are out the door, Urie has picked Saiko up off her feet and slung her over his shoulder,  and is hanging her upside down as punishment. Luckily, she was wearing shorts and a fitted top.

“Hey.”

Kaneki smells Hide’s presence first, so he’s not surprised to see him behind him.

“When were you going to tell me about this?” Hide is smiling, but it is clear that he’s surprised in an unpleasant way.

“She called me ‘Maman’.” Kaneki reflects.

“ . . . Yeah.” Hide says carefully.

“That’s French for ‘mother’, right?” Kaneki is nearly glowing.

Hide relaxes somewhat and returns his warmth, “Yeah, I think so.”

Kaneki rubs at his eyes, “Somehow, that makes me so happy.”

Hide pats him on the back and pushes him gently back in the direction of the piano, “You big softie. Go play another song.”

“I’m going,” he says, swatting away at Hide as he leaves.

Hide spends slow times at behind the counter marveling over how lucky he is to be with the love of his life. Despite how long it had taken for Ken to recover once everything was over and despite how long they had been together now, he couldn’t help but wonder what the repercussions of him regaining his memory would actually be. 

Kaneki smiles so genuinely now. He creates and shares and even texts first when they’ve been apart for some amount of hours. Hide had always loved Kaneki, and he was sure that on some level, Ken had always cared for him as well, but never in the past would he have been so open- not like this. Hide would accept the affection for as long as Ken was willing to give it. 

Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before Hide begins to notice those open displays of affection become less frequent. 

Hide was careful not to trigger anything, but even what he thought might have caused memories to resurface appeared to have no effect on Ken.

Things had happened by accident. Their lives were completely intertwined and the two were now so comfortable with each other, that Hide would slip up now and again. They had walked through the neighborhood in which the death of Hinami’s mother had been reported and by the construction site in which everything had changed. Of course, it was an apartment building now, but even still- there had been no reaction from Ken at all- much to Hide’s relief.

At one point, Ken had gone quiet after witnessing a mother slap a child in public, but after only a few seconds, he was squeezing Hide’s hand reassuringly. A police officer had addressed the issue right away, and it had been upsetting for anyone to have witnessed it, but Hide couldn’t help but be concerned. 

Everyone else is equally careful, but each of them, the more they are around him, begin to make mistakes. After Saiko has made a habit of using ‘ _ Maman _ ’ as her nickname for Kaneki, and the familiarity has only spurred Mutsuki to slip up a few times with ‘ _ Sensei _ ’, he begins to piece together what kind of figure he was in their lives- even if he doesn’t remember. Amon ends up mentioning the now ‘ _ bankrupt _ ’ CCG as if Kaneki and himself were familiar with it.  _ Eri _ had alluded to her her novels- something Kaneki actually caught but appeared to have not remembered anything from it. Akira had made some joke about ‘ _ reminding him she was not his mother _ ’ that had completely thrown Kaneki for a loop, but he never asked about it afterward. 

Days spin on. Kaneki plays with Hide at his side and he watches the people of his past become closer. He watches relationships form and play out in the visits they pay the cafe. Seidou and Akira appear to be closer. He even witnessed Amon with them once. Arima and Tsukiyama came together every time now. Mutsuki and Urie appeared to have something together now; there was a degree of intimacy that hadn’t been present before. 

Memories surface throughout the year, but they are always brought on by something mundane. A visit to :re- something he had done nearly 100 times. A trip to a bookstore. An ad for some play being put on by a local high school. 

He still doesn’t say anything to Hide.

The others are convinced he’s fine and that his memory is not coming back. 

Hide knows better, because, though it has happened gradually, he has watched the same habits of the old Kaneki resurface. He’ll spend hours alone saying he is reading, but at times, he doesn’t even turn the page. He doesn’t smile as much. He’s more thoughtful of how others will perceive him rather than jump into conversation. 

For Kaneki, the behavior feels all too familiar, and, to a point, comfortable. 

The two had lived together above the cafe for a year together before Hide finally decided to bring it up. 

“I’m worried, Ken.” 

They’re in bed, side by side, and it’s dark. There is some light coming through the thin white curtains from the lamppost outside, but the darkness doesn’t bother Kaneki and Hide has taken his lover’s hands in his own, so beyond that, nothing else really matters.

“I know,” he admits quietly.

“If you know,” Hide turned on his side to look at his lover’s silver eyes in the dark, “why haven’t you talked to me?”

“What about?” Ken asks, nearly sounding grumpy.

“You said something today you shouldn’t have.”

“What?”

“Something that- if your memories weren’t returning, you would not have known.”

“Oh?”

“You called them Quinx.”

“Oh. Kuki and Tooru?”

“Yes.” Hide rubs his thumb over the other’s hand, “I could tell that something was bothering you. You’re having trouble focusing on your writing lately, and you spend some afternoons doing nothing. Like, the other day, you stared out a window for like two hours. You remembered something; why are you hiding it?” 

Kaneki is silent for a while, but Hide says nothing as well. He knows how to be patient with Ken even if it had been some time since he had needed to practice it.

“Did I . . . in the past . . . hide things from you?”

Hide freezes, his hands gripping Kaneki’s tighter.

“It feels . . . natural almost . . . keeping these things to myself.”

“No.” Hide’s own anxiety over Ken’s recent behavior came out suddenly in tears, “No, please don’t go back to that.”

Kaneki blinks; he hadn’t expected Hide to be so upset over this.

“I’m sorry for not saying something sooner, but you can’t.” He feels lips on his fingers, then on his face, and then on his own lips. Hide is showering him in affection suddenly, and while half of him loves it and wants to return it, the other half of him feels too guilty to act on this. “I used to do this too; I used to give you time and more time and more time; I-I never realized you needed me to reach out to you. I’m reaching out now- Ken-please-please talk to me. You’re not alone.”

Kaneki tries to smile as Hide pulls him closer and kisses his hair, “I love you; we all do.”

“I understand,” Ken whispers back.

He doesn’t though, not really. It was like looking at a puzzle in pieces without ever seeing the whole thing of how they all fit together. 

He keeps those thoughts to himself for now though, shaken somewhat by Hide’s fear. 

He isn’t sure if it spawns from the fear of Kaneki regaining his memories or if it is the fear that he will return to acting like the person he once was before. 

“I love you, too,” he finally says, but shares nothing after.


End file.
